my-teenager-is-not-perfect,-how-can-i-accept-it?

My teenager is not perfect, how can I accept it?

My teenager is not perfect, how can I accept it?

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My teenager is not perfect, how can I accept it?

My teenager is not perfect, how can I accept it? We have explained the details of the news, step by step, below. My teenager is not perfect, how can I accept it? Keep reading our news. Here are all the details on the subject.

My teenager is not perfect, how can I accept it?

A black spot on his nose, three extra pounds … We all know that our teenager is going through a difficult period, we can not help but do it to him note. Why ?

They say that the love of parents is blind. However, when our teenager has “something wrong”, that we find him frumpy or disfigured by an acne pimple, it becomes a fix: okay, he is the most beautiful … but he could be better, anyway! And here we are, we are bound to let go of the prick that itches us: “Do you clean your face well at night?” “, ” Your orange polo shirt is pretty, but … ” , “And if you avoided taking dessert again?” ” Far from us the idea of ​​hurting him, we especially want to be of service to him by drawing his attention to what he could improve. Whoever likes punishes well, they say. But what is it that affects us so much that everything about their physique prompts us to react like this? Because looking at their faces and their reactions, we quickly understand that this is not the right method.

Nature is well done

Unless you are a specialist in non-violent communication, it is difficult not to let ourselves be overcome by our emotions when this child with the head of an angel, whose photos we were so proud to show, enters the “ungrateful age”. “. “With his changing voice and growing mustache, he looks like a big dadais not finished. I can no longer find him beautiful! ” dares to admit Héléna, mother of Paul, 14 year. Co-author of We are great parents! (Dunod), the psychologist Cécile Desmazières-Berlie reassures us “C ‘ is a frequent reaction! Their physical disgraces reach us in our narcissism and hurt our self-esteem, because they are a bit like us! We would like them to be perfect, flawless, and now they “stain” and disappoint us. » What if nature was well done? “Its imperfections make us unwilling to cuddle them, to keep them to ourselves, explains the specialist. They help us to dissolve and, especially, when the child is of the opposite sex, to realize that his body does not not belong. ”

For example, this father who, in the psychiatrist’s office, said he couldn’t stand his daughter having hair under her arms … to the point of asking her to wax. Categorical refusal of the teenager. And we understand it. “Through this request, the young girl can feel regarded as an object of desire by her own father … who is having a hard time to accept that she has become a woman. » Let us remember that, in general, parents are the most badly placed to convey sensitive messages. “Besides, these too often take an injunctive form (“ Go shave ”,“ Go wash yourself ”,“ Stop grinding your skin”…). Difficult for the teenager to bear, warns psychoanalyst Anne-Catherine Sabas *. An aunt, a godfather or the family doctor will have more impact and, above all, perspective ”, she recommends.

Parents are in the worst position to convey sensitive messages.

A rivalry unconscious

But we have to admit, sometimes, it lets off steam … “I live alone with my son and I work a lot, confides Olivier. Sometimes, when I come home at night, I feel invaded in my space seeing Tim with his football cup – which I hate! -, slumped on the sofa. I can’t help but assault her on her shaved side hair, it crystallizes my nervousness. » This has the merit of being frank. Nathalie also made a commendable effort to question herself by arguing that her daughter would have suffered a little from her crisis in her fifties. “I think deep down that I was almost jealous of his youth. I couldn’t help pointing out to her that she had pimples or greasy hair, I put her down and I was angry with myself … In reaction, Julie attacked me on my white hair or on my wrinkles. It was fair game! ” Anne-Catherine Sabas explains it: ” A game of unconscious rivalry can take place, particularly between mother and daughter. In session, we see that they do not give each other gifts, she observes. However, it is up to the parent to stop the verbal “ping-pong” which can turn into overbidding, in particular by apologizing for an awkward spike , and to think about ways to find serenity in his professional or personal life, to pose as an ally of the teenager, and no longer as an adversary. ”

Difficult to let go

But if this overweight or these pimples jump out at us so much, it may be that they echo old complexes for us. “At years, I was devoured by acne, remembers France. In high school, my girlfriends no longer wanted to kiss me, I no longer went out or to the cinema, to stay in the dark. As a result, when my daughter started to have pimples, I panicked. I was afraid she would go through the same hell as mine. » Of course, we would like to spare them suffering and mockery. “Especially since, when they were little, it was our responsibility to take care of them, to be able to calm their crying, to anticipate the dangers , observes Cécile Desmazières-Berlie. On the other hand, in adolescence, not only is this no longer possible, but it is not desirable. Especially since what poses a problem for us may not bother our child! Its physical “faults” plunge us into powerlessness. Pointing fingers at them gives us the illusion of retaining control over the situation and betrays our unconscious need to want to maintain control. ”

Intervene wisely

Should we then act as if nothing had happened? “Not necessarily, answers the psychologist. It is preferable that the parent keep in mind that he can be a resource for his child in case of difficulty. ” By insisting on its assets which escape the puberty crisis (smile, look …) or by sharing its experience (” Me too, I struggled with my pimples / my overweight … that’s what worked! ”). Logistical support (deodorant, sanitizing treatment, advice from a professional, etc.) is also welcome. “You shouldn’t hesitate either reach out with benevolence ”, advises Anne-Catherine Sabas. For example: “It’s not an easy time. Are you okay right now? “,” At the time, I felt alone with my problems, I would have liked to be able to speak about it to my parents and that they help me … ” “Last week, it was my daughter who asked me for advice on her outfit, laughs Hélène: “Mom, I have a date, how do I dress?” As she had taken on her buttocks and her pants were making her fat, I allowed myself to move forward: “Do you really want me to give you my opinion?” Apparently she was ripe to hear it! ”

Refuse to” see “, is it better?

“When I was a teenager, I had a problem with prognathism, Marie testifies. My father refused to have my jaw operated on. “You are very good the way you are,” he kept repeating. Barely of age, I had the operation against his will. » For psychologist Cécile Desmazières-Berlie, it is preferable that this type of request does not come from the parent. Especially “at a time when cosmetic surgery on young people is becoming commonplace and photo filters are rampant on Instagram. If something is really wrong, others will necessarily point it out and it will be appropriate to think about it calmly. The more the parent uses a “right of inspection” over the adolescent’s body, the more the latter will play provocation by multiplying, for example, tattoos or dyes. A way of reminding adults that they can do what they want with their body ”!

Author of A Peaceful Family at Last . Get out of the cycle of conflict, Rocher.

> Also to be discovered: Yes, parents have a favorite child … and science says so!

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